Last month I participated on a few days’ meditation retreat. Gaia House is a retreat centre in Devon countryside, perfectly situated away from everything.
The experience that I had was inspiring and challenging. The days started early. The wake-up bell was 6:30, commencing half an hour of meditation in the great hall. Then breakfast and some cleaning, depending on which duty one was assigned to. Helping in the house daily for one hour is an important part of keeping the space in good condition, as there is no paid staff. It is also an opportunity to practice mindfulness and to offer something back.
The day continued with meditation in different forms, changing from sitting meditation to mindful movement. During movement practise I walked in the garden. The sensory experiences varied from the wet morning grass under the feet, to the warm sun on my face in the afternoon. I especially loved to be close to the magnificent ancient trees. The rooks returned late afternoon and started their concert. I wondered what they were talking about – perhaps gossiping about their day? Red robins where sociable and sang with all their tiny being.
My two full days of meditation were quite different. Saturday was hard; the effects of silence and the long sitting in a posture sneaked up on me, and by 4 PM, I was an emotional wreck. I missed my family terribly. There was lot of questioning and whying. ‘Why am I doing this?’, ‘Why am I thinking about that?’, ‘Why am I like this?’, ‘Why am I judging?’, ‘Why can’t I stop?’ and so on. Exhausting.
The mind that didn’t get its usual distraction and stimulation was all over the place. No phones, no books, not even a tiny little crochet work I could have done to feel I am ‘doing something useful’. And of course, no talking. There was nowhere to escape, and the mind was shouting.
And the thoughts that it was presenting to me were from all over the place. Age-old memories. People. Random encounters. People. Doubts. Regrets. Loss. People. All the fun stuff. Thinking about it now, it truly is quite impressive, the play that the mind creates for us out of our whole life history.
I didn’t lose my mind in the end - though at times it felt like it might just happen! Instead I went to bed every evening, knackered. The last meditation practise finished 9:30 and soon after that, I was sleeping.
On Sunday there was a different tone. A bit more acceptance. I don’t recall very much from this day, funnily enough, but I think I went more with ‘the flow’. I remember a decision to ease off: I still did all the practise but there was more understanding and self-care in it. This probably wouldn’t have happened without the struggles on the day before.
Later, end of Monday, when the silence was lifted and it was possible to voice our experiences, I heard many people describing something similar – Saturday had been difficult. Still all these people had looked completely calm from the outside. How little indeed do we know about what really is going on with a person at any given moment.
The experiences from the retreat travel with me. The time spent at Gaia House, even if short, strengthened my practise and I notice the experience being an inner resource to me daily. I whole-heartedly recommend participating on a retreat or a day of silence if you have a chance. It can be tough at times, I agree, but I would still do it all over again. After all, the longest journey we make is into ourselves but it just might be the most important one.