I have lately been studying the co-play of self-compassion and mindfulness. Self-compassion as a field of study was established years ago and its connection to good mental health has been proven in multiple studies. Research has demonstrated consistently that people who are self-compassionate tend to suffer less from depression and anxiety. They experience fewer negative emotions like fear, irritability, hostility or distress.
“These emotions still come up, but they aren’t as frequent, long-lasting or persistent. This is partly because self-compassionate people have been found to ruminate much less than those who lack self-compassion. Rumination is often fuelled by feelings of fear, shame and inadequacy.”
Dr. Kristin Neff is an Associate professor at the University of Texas and a leading expert in the field of self-compassion. She has published multiple studies and books about self-compassion, developed a measurement system for it and together with her colleague Chris Germer found an 8-week Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) programme that is offered in UK and around the world. One element in increasing self-compassion is regular mindfulness meditation – awareness and acceptance of our true emotions, thoughts and experience in each moment.
The topic of self-compassion is vast, so I extracted just a couple of its ideas and recommendations as outlined in one of Neff’s books* - on how to start bringing a self-compassionate attitude into daily life.
“Self-compassion doesn’t mean my problems are more important than yours. It means that my problems are ALSO important.”
Self-compassion consists of 3 components:
1) Self-kindness – speaking to ourselves with compassion – especially in the moment of suffering
2) Common humanity – recognising that everyone experiences the life as painful and difficult from time to time
3) Mindfulness – awareness of ourselves and our relationship with the outside world
Self-compassion is not self-pity. It recognises that the others suffer too. This enables self-compassionate people to respond smarter, and in a way that is helpful to themselves and others, instead of freezing or falling into despair in the moment of suffering.
Why do we tend to be much better at self-criticism than at self-kindness?
“Self-criticism is a type of safety behaviour designed to ensure acceptance within the larger social group.”
We act self-critically to fit the norm. We assume that being conscious and critical about ourselves makes the others like us more, or at least accept us, and we are not seen as a threat socially, as a risk to the status of others or their well-being.
There are also strong developmental reasons behind the negative self-talk. Due to evolution, we tend to put much more emphasis on negative information (The so called Negativity Bias). Reading signals of threats quickly kept the early man alive.
“If you are continually judging and criticising yourself while trying to be kind to others you are drawing artificial boundaries and distinctions that only lead to feelings or separation and isolation.”
Whenever you experience something difficult, pause, put your self-compassion lenses on and:
a) Give yourself kindness and care
b) Remind yourself that experiencing pain is a shared human experience
c) Allow yourself to be aware of your thoughts and emotions
One way to become aware of your self-talk and process emotions is to Keep Self-compassion Journal. For one week, write down every day one event that upset you, made you feel bad about yourself or caused you suffering otherwise. Describe the event in a few words (what happened, who was there etc.). Write down what you thought and how you felt (ashamed, angry, sad, stressed etc).
Then use the 3 self-compassion components to approach the situation with kindness.
Mindfulness: Recall the thoughts, feelings and body sensations that were present during the event. Make sure you note them down as they were. Don’t be tempted to make them look ‘prettier’. You can also write down the feelings that arise for you as you are doing the exercise.
Common Humanity: remind yourself how your experience can be familiar to other people. In your own words, write something like: “Everyone occasionally reacts out of fear even if they don’t want to. The same way as I now, they feel bad and might blame themselves. Struggle is common to all and doesn’t make any of us bad persons.”
“Instead of letting your difficult emotions carry you away, you can carry your difficult emotions to a better place. You can hold them, accept them, and be compassionate towards yourself when you feel them.”
Self-kindness: Instead of negative and self-blaming talk, choose to approach your suffering with kindness. Write down words that resonate with you. They can be something you would say to the other person in a similar situation. For example: “Poor [name], I can see that you overreacted today, and you feel really down about it. You felt that no one is helping you and it just all became too much. Life can be so hard at times. I know how much you care for the people around you and they do care for you too very much. Now do something nice for yourself that helps you to relax. When you feel better, perhaps you can talk about it with your close-ones again in the spirit of calm and understanding.”
How self-compassionate are you? - Test on www.self-compassion.org.
* The principles and the exercise are borrowed from Dr. Kristin Neff’s pioneering book Self-Compassion (William Morris, 2011). They are repeated also in many of her other publications in the field of self-compassion.